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[22 Jun 2007|06:37pm] |
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i want to chop off my hand like harold. seriously. i hate myself so fucking much, i let everyone walk all over me. and you know what do i even DO to stop it? nothing. cause i fucking suck. i seriously wish i had a knife right now because i'd chop off my whole arm and love it.
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| going insane |
[06 Jun 2007|04:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 stressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"straaaange gothic wo-man" beegees remix |
] |
life is good. but somehow i find ways to be insane. agh! i just want to get away from the house, where everything is regulated: how much i can use the car, how long i spend at the gym, how much i work, when i eat meals, when i have to be home, who i hang out with (which is unbelievably wrong) what my values are!
i know that last one is a stretch, but really, i feel like it's becoming true.
i want my parents to support WHO I AM. all along they've been trying to change it. all along they've known too much about me. they know how to make me feel guilty to control me. and the scary thing is it works! i want to go back to uconn to live there for a while and work, but they won't let me even do that. they make me feel like a bad person for going there and wanting to be away from the family. they criticize me for so many things, and i feel like i have been a good kid to them all my life. they just can't let me go. it's been really affecting me and my relationships lately. i have to learn how to not feel guilty and realize that i deserve to love and be loved, whether or not my parents support how i find that love or not.
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[04 Jun 2007|07:32pm] |
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love.
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| i wanna stand up, i wanna let go |
[29 May 2007|12:04am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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mmm the killers |
] |
you know, you know, no-- you don't, you don't
beautiful day.
sometimes life makes me miss it even when it's still going on. sitting with heather and jack and ryan today in the sand, i felt like i was back IN life... and i thought, i missed it. holden caulfield mumbled that you shouldn't tell people anything because you'll just start missing them. sometimes i believe in that statement; i back him up 100% and i feel his words. but other times i think he's dead wrong. today was kind of a mix of the two.
you give life a chance one day, and you live it. you have good times with a friend who makes you feel like you can do anything. you trust it. it surprises you that after years of doubting so, life actually can be, indeed, fulfilling. and then that friend gets taken away. she leaves you and the world behind with a giant "fuck you," a giant "i give up," she sprints away with all her might from the very thing she taught you to trust.
today i trusted it again. we sat on the steps as the sun set and ryan said how it was his favorite part of a summer day. i felt like i was really there. i did not pick at my nails and stare into the pavement.
in the back of my mind, i know there will be times when i will have my doubts and want to run away myself, and i know it will be difficult to stay, but man, there's no way i'm giving up.
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| you are dan-cing in my crossfire |
[22 May 2007|03:52pm] |
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mood |
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 excited |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Bens! |
] |
1. Are you in a relationship?
why yes :)
2. If not, would you like to be?
n/a
3. How often do you visit Livejournal?
maybe once a week or so
4. What is your favorite candy bar?
i really like peppermint patties
5. What are your favorite shoes?
adidas sandals, for ever and ever
6. Have you ever tripped going up steps?
definitely
7. Where did you go on vacation last summer?
cape cod
8. Would you bungee jump?
maybe. i'd have to do it impulsively.
9. Do you own a Fall Out Boy CD?
I own a friendship with terrie, which is like having fall out boy live in my room.
10. Do you like amusement parks?
not too much. i don't like the crowds or clowns or little kids crying with their parents exasperatedly pushing them in strollers. i've had a few good times at them before, though.
11. Do you ride rollercoasters?
yeah.
12. What is your current favorite CD?
the bens
13. Can you touch your tongue to your nose?
let me see. negative.
14. When was the last time you were in the ocean?
oh far too long!
15. Do you like flowers?
yes, especially when they're in the ground or are growing in a huge bush-like fashion. yeah, i like flowers and plants a lot. not that i can grow them too wel. but ya know. yeah they're nice.
17. What is the most embarrassing CD you own?
oh man. i don't know where it is, but i do have a cd from mcdonalds with like four random songs on it by britney spears and nsync. that would have to be the most embarassing one.
18. Are you sarcastic?
at times.
19. Is there anything you can't wait for this summer?
surfing, being around the pool all the time at work, crazy camp kids, swimming... just being. ben folds and hopefully bob dylan. my grad party. nice weather. my backyard. i'm not in any rush to fly through all these things. i want to live this summer moment by moment, really.
21. Socks and sandals?
oh definitely. it's so comfortable, especially in the winter and especially with adidas sandals.
22. Who was the last person you went to the movies with?
wow, i can't even remember the last movie i even saw in the theater... it mighta been stranger than fiction with lizz.
23. What's one thing you really hope to do this spring?
this spring? paint my room, i wanted to get a rabbit but that might be postponed til the end of summer... write a lot. work on american lit stuff.
24. Do you like to go Mini-Golfing?
heck yes!
25. Are you moving this spring?
no.
26. Are you going to be starting a new job this spring?
nope.
27. Have you ever slapped someone?
many a time.
28. Did you get poison ivy?
i've had it.
29. Do you plan on going camping next summer?
that would be fun. definitely camping on horsebarn hill with tmack.
31. Favorite pizza topping?
spinach. green peppers.
32. Pants or shorts?
hmmmm. it depends on the situation. i mean, i like shorts in the summer when i'm working at the pool... i like my running shorts... i kinda feel too young/little girlish when i wear jean shorts, though. that, or they're way too short and i don't really like it. ah, i don't know.
34. Do you use Chopsticks?
i'm not too good at it.
35. What's the last movie you watched?
man! i haven't watched a movie in months...
36. Are you currently fighting with anyone?
nope.
37. Are you too forgiving?
some might say.
38. How many pets do you have?
just nike. hopefully another one soon, though.
39. Own any clothing from Hot Topic?
i don't think so.
40. What's your favorite breakfast food?
grapefruit...mmmm or any fruit really.
41. Where was the last place you drove?
home dePOT
43. Where will you be in 24 hours?
probably at home? about to go to lifeguarding recert?
44. What did you do 3 nights ago?
let me see. that was...saturday night. celebrated at my friend amanda's house for her bridal shower/bachelorette party (WEIRD!!) just by hanging out and grilling and drinking with a few of her friends and mom and her mom's friend. it was really cute and fun. her mom also funneled! omgosh!
45. Last time you went to a fancy restaurant?
not sure?
46. Last thing you bought?
light green paint
47. FUCK!
FECKKKKK
48. Anywhere you want to go?
teh beach. anywhere where i can spend time OUTSIDE and read and write. or swim. diana's pool.
49. DAMN!
damn, son?
50. What have you done today?
robot-voiced with matt, failed attempt at going to a meeting at bulkeley high school, accidentally blew through a "stop sign" in front of a cop directing traffic for road work, plato's closet, got paint, cleaned out room for painting...
52. Are you thinking of someone right now?
my sister.
53. Have you ever thrown something out of a moving car?
today: strawberry stems. last weekend: a pack of cigarettes.
54. Do you wish you were somewhere else?
maybe in my backyard.
55. Would you date someone who smoked cigarettes?
yeah, i do.
56. Are you happy with your life right now?
yes i am.
57. What's the last thing you ate?
pudding.
58. Whats the next place you have to go?
not too sure. i don't have any plans right now.
59. How many hours do you usually sleep per night?
during the school year usually 5 or 6... now... maybe 7.
60. What's the next important date on your calendar?
i need to bring my dragon calendar back from school...
61. Who were the last 5 people to call you?
madre, ryan g, matt, sub service, stef e
62. McDonald's or Burger King?
mleh, neither really. i don't mind ice cream or coffee from mcdonald's, though.
63. Who last text messaged you?
matt dawg. <3.
64. Are you closer to your mother or father?
it's close...
65. Do you like to quote things?
i like quotes from poetry the best.
66. Are you afraid of the dark?
actually, yes. a lot. my imagination takes over and i end up thinking a zombie or a man with a knife is going to spring out of the dark and get me like mr. ewell pounced scout in to kill a mockingbird.
67. Do you exercise regularly?
yes.
68. What is the most expensive thing Y0U ever bought?
the ticket to switzerland and everything else for the trip
69. What should you be doing right now?
getting stuff ready to clean my room. running.
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[17 May 2007|07:01pm] |
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| scattered puzzle pieces of life on a thursday |
[11 May 2007|01:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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deVotchka |
] |
heat.
i wrote a good letter tonight while laying on the coolness of the wooden floorboards.
the office was okay. next week=finale party at my heezy. if people will come. i would walk over the coals.
ruval is teh most coolzorz.
no me gusta bacon!
me and matt saw an ostrich trying to be contained by the cops on the side of the highway.
if you're reading this, you should go read "persepolis" by marjane satrapi.
package for sabine is finished!
matt beat up my stuffed nameless teddy bear because he is a mean human being.
therefore, i half-nelson'd his ass.
phone with terilla.
mustard.
31 items to consignment.
strawberries.
i have the idea to start a garden in our yard where our old one kinda dried up.
decision: truly follow through with ideas this summer.
so i guess that means a lot of digging tomorrow?
bed now.
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| Rummaging |
[03 May 2007|12:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 peaceful |
] |
finally sitting here in a semi-organized room and internet that works. and sore shins. i love it. achy legs always bring me back to the way i feel after a hot summer run... going to bed dead tired like this is amazing.
i picked up some graduation tickets today... when i got there i had to rummage through my wallet yet again like a scatter-brizzain and couldn't find my student id. i keep losing ev-er-reee-thing... i need to organize my life. please help me. the guy giving out the tickets was so nice, though... he was just like, "oh, it happens," and let me use my driver's liscence instead. i will never know how to spell liscence. is that even right? or defintely. or rhythm. yeah, i think those are all spelled right, but i had to really think about it. okay sidenote is over. but yeah, what an empathetic worker at the co-op giving me the tickets. i appreciated that... not making me feel like an idiot. i will float my thanks out into the universe in a tiny thought and maybe whoever that guy was, he will recieve it in the form of his toast not burning tomorrow morning. or something like that.
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| call me emo, but... |
[30 Mar 2007|04:33pm] |
call me emo, but (or call me emo-butt) ok sorry bad joke. but anyways:
call me emo, but i'm going to write in this piece more often.
however i will not say too much today, as it's warm and sunny outside and i need to take a shower and get myself out there!
life's been beautiful, i'm surrounded by amazing people and i feel incredibly loved. i'm not so angry anymore (except when 9th graders pretend to fall out of windows while i'm teaching, or when they tell me i "fuckin suck.") high school students aside, letting anger slide and melt away... is good.
"Anger decieves us. Try to distance yourself from anger." -The Dalai Lama
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| ich liebe dich |
[19 Jan 2007|04:32pm] |
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I'm in class and bored out of my face. I wish there were a better way to spend January 19th, rather than dissolving into cigarette ash and being dusted away in the wind.
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| Right Under my Nose |
[26 Dec 2006|05:40am] |
| [ |
mood |
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content |
] |
Pirates of the Caribbean II has a plot like the octopus guy's tenticle-face. A ship goes underwater, also.
Nick and I are going to go see Eragon and wear t-shirts with airbrushed-wolves on them. Because "If you wear t-shirts with airbrushed wolves on them, you will like this movie." I remember two specific incidences in connection with the thought of airbrushed wolves. A) The time I went to Washington D.C. with my father, and we watched the changing of the guards at Arlington National Cemetery and stood next to a man with a mullet and a very detailed Lord of the Rings t-shirt. B) A classmate of mine in elementary school who used to share a seat with me on the bus/suffucate me always wore a detailed black t-shirt of a cat with yellow eyes.
It's Christmas. I'm happy... and thankful. I feel as though I don't appreciate the people in my life enough, and recently, I've thinking about it more often. I know that's cliche to admit, especially on Christmas, but I suppose it's something a lot of people go through. They live very caught up in their thoughts, possibly their own misery and troubles, coasting along day after day-- and they don't fully realize they have these friends who are brilliant right under their noses.
Goodnight,
Erin
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| erin and jack at their best |
[18 Aug 2006|04:43pm] |
1/19/05
SuperhroFgtngirl (11:38:28 PM): and is inauguration day tommorrow?
tack050607 (11:38:42 PM): yes it is
SuperhroFgtngirl (11:38:43 PM): i haven't been following the news/watching tv at all for the past few days
SuperhroFgtngirl (11:38:44 PM): okay
tack050607 (11:38:50 PM): wanna go down to d.c. with me?
SuperhroFgtngirl (11:38:58 PM): yes!
tack050607 (11:39:00 PM): throw some tomotahs
SuperhroFgtngirl (11:39:04 PM): yeah!
SuperhroFgtngirl (11:39:12 PM): and eggs, i will bring the eggs
SuperhroFgtngirl (11:39:18 PM): and cottage cheese
tack050607 (11:39:38 PM): and water balloons filled with itching powder
SuperhroFgtngirl (11:39:45 PM): yes
SuperhroFgtngirl (11:40:28 PM): and plastic texases with huge 'x's on them
tack050607 (11:41:04 PM): yes, i will get those at the store
SuperhroFgtngirl (11:41:12 PM): good.
tack050607 (11:41:19 PM): those plastic texases with huge 'x's on them
tack050607 (11:41:22 PM): they are on sale.
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| in fact |
[14 Aug 2006|10:04pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
5ive. 5, what you waiting 4, if you wanna 3..2..1letsdoit |
] |
how i miss dobbs.
it's weird to grasp that she will not be at school next year, and i will not visit her in knollwood and snuggle up on her couch filled with a billion pillows and stuffed animals and sweatshirts and other rugby paraphanelia and watch kinsey or talk about cows with her. :(. insert pouty lip here. in spite of that, time is moving on and friends are making new discoveries-- and that is always a good thing.
in fact, my sanity often thrives on it.
I wonder how Jack is living up in Maine right now. A summer without Jack. Without a best friend and a joint obsession of some book or movie or song. It is new. Yet our reunion is going to be sparkling, I feel. The stories we have.
For once I feel kind of balanced. Gosh, it's good. It's *good*.
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| The most Friday-est Day |
[10 Aug 2006|08:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 curious |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Snow Patrol |
] |
What a long freaking day.
Won't somebody find me somebody toooo love. That's the song I'm singin'.
It's totally okay.
In other news... I've been meaning write "How many roads must a man walk down?" on the back of my white t-shirt and put the number "42" on the front. But then I had this idea to have all my Summerscape kids sign it and draw on it instead. So they did. I love it. It came out beautifully. I. Love. Them. So much. Today being the last day of camp and my normal full work schedule, I had a lot of "last minute" feelings-- like the last day of school where you want that hot drummer in your algebra class to sign your yearbook so you walk by him twice in the hallway yet do not conjure the guts to really do it. Last day, last chance. Did I do it right? Today I shook my jar and that penny clinked out.
Now I'm beat and have nothing to do for the rest of the night. If anything, that is my one complaint of the summer...so often being on my own. I talk a lot at the pool, but other than work, I really don't see anyone. In ways I like my warm summer hermitage. Other times, though, it is a little heartbreaking.
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| i dig music...i'm on drugs! |
[09 Aug 2006|11:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
free |
] |
| [ |
music |
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led zeppelin |
] |
Tangerine
Tangerine
Living reflection from a dream
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| 'dex |
[08 Aug 2006|10:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
I bought some new spandex today. They're snug.
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| Bite me |
[07 Aug 2006|11:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
So I made it home from Maine alive. Not that I would have died, or that I really did anything life-threatening on the trip, but still.
It was four days of being half-bored and half-enjoying myself. I can't say that I had a real blast, but it was nice. I tried really taking in the beach and being mindful of the designs of the sand bar beneath my feet, the waves, and watching the other people on the beach. There were a lot of French Canadians. We saw this French van that was yellow and had all this writing about having a party on it. Like the French-Canadian party van, it helps you by bringing balloons and whatever else you need to have a party. Um.
Anyways, me and Kerri got some surfing in. Came home and watched Step into Liquid which made me more amped up about surfing. It's something I'll always have, though I am not exactly a pro at it right now, since I can only get out there less than ten times a year, it is still fun. And the fact that I like it and have a blast is all that matters.
We stopped at a surf shop on our way home. The girl in there was beautiful and friendly and in my mind, a breathing statue of liberty. She had muscles and cutting eyes and talked to us with so much ease and welcoming, like we knew her for a while. She was 23 and started surfing at 14 but really got into it at 18, and has been going out every day ever since. This gives me hope that although I'm not in the position to spend all the time I want in the water right now, maybe one day after I graduate, at LAST, I will be in a place where I can. I'm telling you, this is not just a dream.
On a lighter note, when we were out surfing today, Kerri starts visciously paddling in and I knew it wasn't just to go in closer to get a wave. She thought she saw something in the water. It was probably just a striper. Anyhow, she thinks she sees a shark and wordlessly gets the heck out of there, as I sit like a duck waiting for a great white to arch out of the water with its teeth glaring just like the mechanical one did in Jaws.
Sincerely,
Erin
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[03 Aug 2006|07:45pm] |
hol-LER. i am finally posting in here after a while of never writing (probably about a year or more, really... i only really wrote in here the etherealistic summer after freshman year). I was inspired to do this after reading Terrie and Tara's ljs and also after writing an email to a friend when I was typing like crazy on the comp and really liking the sound of the keys. So here's my letter. Livejoural letter.
I didn't want to come back to the pool this summer. Why? Did I hate the job? Not at all. I actually loved it. But I didn't want to be the kind of person who "stays in the same place all the time." I didn't want to be a baby...more like a self-proclaimed swinger. Invisigirl type of thing. But whatever. WHATever. Enough with trying. I'm throwing that out the window. I'll do whatever the heck I want. Gone with the shoulds, gone with the how does this sound how does this seem I want to live for real this time around and that's what will keep me in this world because I was leaving it a few months ago, I feel. I was ready to get out of it. I was out of it.
Anyhow, going back to the pool was the luckiest choice. It keeps me busy and fills my mind. There are little kids, campers who I never thought I would get through to, who love me. Next week is the last week, and I'm missing Monday and Tuesday. Two days without them. FOUR days without them. This is probably the best thing that's happened to me all year.
I saw the most brilliant pair of eyes this week. Ouch, piercing, I notice the lashes too. It's funny how many eyes I've goosebumped-ly recalled hours and days and months after a meeting throughout my life. I think of the ones I see up close when I talk, or really up close when I kiss or the ones I notice suddenly in a picture. One snap of film and you have beautiful blue eyes at once and forever. It is hard to write about eyes without seeming vague. There's small and deep. Everyone assimilates them with oceans. Eeeeeesh. Goosebumps.
Til next time,
Erin
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| put this in yer pipe and SCHMMMMMOOOKKKKE it |
[26 Jul 2006|07:25pm] |
The Best Myspace Survey
* . . About You . . *
Eye Color:: Brown
Hair Color:: Brown
Height:: 5'6''
Favorite Color:: blue
Screen Name:: superhrofgtngirl
Favorite Band:: weezer, radiohead, foo fighters, beatles
Favorite Movie:: almost famous
Favorite Show:: scrubs
Your Car:: honda 'cord
Your Hometown:: rocky hell
Your Present Town:: rocky hell
Your Crushes First Name:: you baby
Your Grade:: really old
Your Style:: mad casual, sporty kinda hippie
* . . Have You Ever . . *
Sat on your rooftop?: no, but i've sat on the playhouse in my backyard's rooftop
Kissed someone in the rain?: i'm not sure
Danced in a public place?: absoultely, in a sports bra and spandex
Smiled for no reason?: there's always a reason i think
Laughed so hard you cried?: yes
Peed your pants after age 8?: not that i remember
Written a song?: yes and the chorus was yo ho ho yo ho ho a pirate's life for me
Sang to someone for no reason?:every single DAY
Performed on a stage?: yes
Talked to someone you don't know?: all the time
Gone out of your way to befriend someone?: yes
Made out in a theatre?: yes it was during the spongebob movie
Gone roller skating since 8th grade?: no
Been in love?: to a degree
* . . Who was the last person to . . *
Say HI to you?: camp kids
Tell you, I love you?: mom
Kiss you?: colin
Hug you?: camp kids
Tell you BYE?: people at work
Write you a note?: terrie, viv, and jack. i'm lucky
Take your photo?: kristine at lifegaurd olympics doing a handstand against a tree
Call your cell phone?: ter!
Buy you something?: i don't know
Go with you to the movies?: no clue
Sing to you?: myself (there was nothing on the radio today, okay?
Write a poem about you?: noone. maybe before i die somebody will
Text message you?: dobbs
Touch you?: probably my sister
* . . What's the last . . *
Time you laughed?: at work
Time you cried?: yesterday
Movie you watched?: the incredibles
Joke you told?: you've been pwned
Song you've sang?: Time you've looked at the clock?: 6:30
Drink you've had?: water
Number you've dialed?: home
Book you've read?: ordinary people
Food you've eaten?: chicken
Flavor of gum chewed?: mint
Shoes you've worn?: sneaks
Store you've been in?: cvs
Thing you've said?: give me 5 minutes
* . . Can You . . *
Write with both hands?: naw
Whistle?: heck YES!
Blow a bubble?: ya
Roll your tounge in a circle?: ya
Cross your eyes?: ya
Touch your tounge to your nose?: no
Dance?: maybe!
Gleek?: gleek gleek gleek
Stay up a whole night without sleep?: ya
Speak a different language?: spanish a little
Impersonate someone?: def
Prank call people?: once we pranked called the operator and he told us we needed to find something to do
Make a card pyramid?: no
Cook anything?: pasta basul
* . . Finish The Line . . *
If i were a ...:cloud i would fly!
I wish ...:i knew i wish i knew
So many people don't know that ...: love isn't that dead
I am ...: here
My heart is ...: moving
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seamoreglass's journal